This is the month I get to come back to Manila, after 16 years. This month is full of grateful hearts. GRATITUDE & Love.
Can you believe that? How so that during thanksgiving week and November being such a high vibrational month and I get to be with family.
So 11:11:11, November 11, 2018 for the whole day-between having 11:11 am and 1:11 pm, all was well until I decided to go into a deep spiritual journey. I felt as if, my grandmother was not going to make it. It felt like the Universe was telling me to accept the fact that she may not recover from this, and a whole new mindset happened for me: acceptance. To be able to accept the things that I can not change, and that no matter what I need to tell her what I need to say. It felt like I was dying myself, from the inside. Panic and terror coursed through my veins–I was backed into the corner of what I know my whole life to be mine, my grandmother…and she was withering away, she says, like a candle losing its light.
I called her, without hesitation, after hearing her voicemail and quickly jumped on asking her “Are you ready to leave? Is this it? ‘Coz Ma, I’m not ready–I’m fucking scared to lose you…so please listen, I just have to tell you how much I love you, like a lot–and I wanted to thank you for being there for me from the moment I was born and the moment that I was giving birth. I need to tell you all this before its too late, I don’t want to be another person to say ‘I wish I said the things I needed to say before you leave’.” She quickly replies, ‘don’t cry, it’s not going to do us any good’, and I replied: “I have to, and we need this. Between planning, organizing, and figuring out finances and treatments and doctor appointments, we regret moments like this–to actually feel them. So now, I just need to TELL you things”
Honestly, between the gibberish speech and gargled words out of my crying mouth, I was torn and broken and completely destroyed. The grandmother who raised me, I thought to myself, her body is dying–it may have reached its end. In the middle of conversations, I sat on the other end of the phone bawling like I’ve never bawled before. It’s like I’ve felt what its like if I couldn’t call her back anymore, after her 2 left voicemails. Wow.
Death truly makes life as beautiful as it could be, we are all headed in that same direction. Our bodies will never make it out alive out of this earth, make every single day count. The loved ones around you, make that love known.
Mama rose consoled me as I tried catching my breathe, she says “I’m ready to go on my detox and treatment, my mind is very strong, but my body is just really weak–but I gotta go ‘coz I’m hungry and my phô is here, ok? Don’t cry, I’m fine and I’m going to be fine”, she hurried and said: “ok? talk to you later.”
“I LOVE YOU, MA..OK?”
–“ok, ok..Love you”